I took part in a fascinating discussion recently on the psychological pressure of performing in front of others. I so enjoy getting together and exploring these important issues; it’s always a timely reminder for me about how I am supporting my own students and coaching clients, and also whether I am supporting myself in my own performing.
I do relatively little public performing these days. It became clear to me about fifteen years ago, that performing was no longer a joy and had become something I braced myself to do. That bracing was the result of many years of coping and surviving a music profession that is not primarily designed to support the wellbeing of the human being who plays the music. My experience was relatively mild, but strong enough for me to have a good look at the whole musical climate and the damage it was doing to so many sensitive, gifted musicians.
Once I had that clarity myself, I pulled myself back from the profession and took baby steps towards playing again. Bit by bit, I re-discovered the joy that drew me to music in the first place. It has been a journey that has gone in fits and starts. There have been times when I have had no interest in performing whatsoever and when the wounds from the past have felt unsurmountable. During those times, I don’t push myself, I go gently, playing music I enjoy and putting any pressure on myself to play to anyone else. I generally throw myself into other creative projects instead. When inspiration hits, as it has over the last few weeks, I find myself wanting to go to the piano as much as I possibly can. I absolutely love the whole experience of exploring a new programme and preparing it for a small group of people.
On the latest piano weekend, the atmosphere was so extraordinarily uplifting and supportive that some of the participants welled up in tears at the utter relief that they weren’t going to be picked apart and found wanting. It made me realise how important it is to work with musicians in this way. So much damage has been done but so much can be put right, and relatively easily too.
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